Divorce Resources for Teens
Teen's Guide to Surviving Divorce
No matter how old you are, divorce affects everyone in a family – even teenagers.
For some teens, their parents’ divorce can come as a bit of a relief. Maybe they’ve been fighting for years, and maybe one parent has even been physically abusive. You’ve known for a long time that their marriage was in trouble and the separation brings a sense of calm.
But for many other teens, the divorce comes as a total shock. Things seemed fine, like they always were. Maybe your parents were just good at keeping the problems in their marriage from the kids. Or maybe one of your parents had an affair, or is going through a midlife crisis, and so the divorce comes as a surprise to the other parent too.
Either way, since teenagers are older and more mature than young children, they have a better understanding of the implications of divorce. Teens also feel the need to shoulder a lot of responsibility, thinking that maybe they had a hand in their parents’ unhappiness, or can do something to fix it. Most of all, they know that divorce will bring big changes to the family and wonder: How will it affect me?
Hopefully, your parents will give you some input into issues like where you’ll live and how often you’ll see both parents. But the truth is a lot of this is out of your control. Divorce is something that happens to your parents, not to you. Sure, you’re affected by it – it can change your whole life. But your parents’ divorce is ultimately about them, not you. You’re not the reason they’re splitting up, and there’s little you can do to change the situation.
But as much as you can’t control the end of your parents’ marriage, there is a lot you can control about how you – and your parents – handle the changes that are happening to your family.
"We're Getting a Divorce"
To parents, divorce signals the end of a troubled marriage. The relationship is often over by the time they separate. They still have to stay in touch to discuss important decisions about you, but they’re free to date other people, get remarried, and even have children with a new partner.
But for children, divorce is never “over,” and hearing that your parents are separating is just the beginning of a long journey. Your relationship with your parents never ends. They will always be your parents even as they grow farther apart and their lives take different paths.
Psychologists used to think that kids got over divorce pretty quickly. But now most experts believe that only thing more devastating than divorce for a child is the death of a parent. For kids, divorce is a long process and adjusting to it can take time.
That’s because the divorce is probably the biggest change you’ve ever had to deal with in your life. Everything seemed totally normal, and now it’s all falling apart. Your parents are splitting up. Maybe you have to leave your family home, your school, your friends. Will you live with your mom or your dad? What about your brothers or sisters?
It can be difficult to find a sense of peace and calm when your family life is constantly evolving. It’s not stable like it was when it was just you, your parents and maybe brothers and sisters.
But for children, divorce is never “over,” and hearing that your parents are separating is just the beginning of a long journey. Your relationship with your parents never ends. They will always be your parents even as they grow farther apart and their lives take different paths.
Psychologists used to think that kids got over divorce pretty quickly. But now most experts believe that only thing more devastating than divorce for a child is the death of a parent. For kids, divorce is a long process and adjusting to it can take time.
That’s because the divorce is probably the biggest change you’ve ever had to deal with in your life. Everything seemed totally normal, and now it’s all falling apart. Your parents are splitting up. Maybe you have to leave your family home, your school, your friends. Will you live with your mom or your dad? What about your brothers or sisters?
It can be difficult to find a sense of peace and calm when your family life is constantly evolving. It’s not stable like it was when it was just you, your parents and maybe brothers and sisters.
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Custody is one of biggest issues in divorce. Most couples are able to work this out themselves without having to go to court. Even when your parents don’t fight over custody, it can be hard for you to accept the arrangement. You might feel rejected if, for example, your dad decides you’ll live full-time with your mom and see him on weekends. Usually, your parents are just looking out for your best interests. It’s not that your dad doesn’t want you to live with him. It could be that maybe your mom is staying in the family home and your dad knows it would be better for you to stay there too.
Sometimes parents can’t agree on custody and then they will have to go to court. As older children, you will usually get to have a say about which parent you want to live with. This can be a really stressful situation for teens, who feel like they’re caught in the middle and forced to choose between two parents. A judge will take your wishes into consideration when deciding on custody. But ultimately, the court will try to decide what’s in your best interest – even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.
In most cases, children end up living with their mother and seeing their father for regular visits, like on weekends or during the summer. This can be a challenge to keep in touch with your dad if you’re suddenly not seeing him every day like you used to. It might mean you have to change around your schedule a lot. For instance, maybe you’re used to hanging out with your friends on weekends and now you have to go out of town to see your dad.
Sometimes parents can’t agree on custody and then they will have to go to court. As older children, you will usually get to have a say about which parent you want to live with. This can be a really stressful situation for teens, who feel like they’re caught in the middle and forced to choose between two parents. A judge will take your wishes into consideration when deciding on custody. But ultimately, the court will try to decide what’s in your best interest – even if it’s not exactly what you wanted.
In most cases, children end up living with their mother and seeing their father for regular visits, like on weekends or during the summer. This can be a challenge to keep in touch with your dad if you’re suddenly not seeing him every day like you used to. It might mean you have to change around your schedule a lot. For instance, maybe you’re used to hanging out with your friends on weekends and now you have to go out of town to see your dad.
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Maybe you have a part-time job and have some of your own spending money, but chances are you’re still dependent on your parents for a lot, and so their money issues become your money issues. Divorce can be expensive. Parents have to hire lawyers, divide property, bank accounts, credit cards. Often one parent has to pay child support to the other to help cover your expenses. Maybe your parents have to sell the family home and both move to some place smaller to save money, or one of them moves in with your grandparents. Maybe your mom had previously stayed home to raise you and now has to go back to school or get another job to make ends meet.
This can usually mean more responsibility for you, like cooking dinner, cleaning the house, or looking after younger brothers and sisters. For many teens divorce means you have to grow up faster than you might like.
This can usually mean more responsibility for you, like cooking dinner, cleaning the house, or looking after younger brothers and sisters. For many teens divorce means you have to grow up faster than you might like.
Dating and Remarriage
Your parents are probably going to start dating again at some point. Seeing your parents dating can be a shock because it ends your hope that maybe they can get back together.
It can be weird for teens to see their parents back on the dating scene, because it’s the time in your life when you’re probably starting to think about relationships. It’s strange to know you’re going out on a date the same night as your mom. But it’s healthy for her to be able to get away from the pain and grief of divorce and start searching for a new partner to share her life.
Maybe one of your parents has already found a new partner and that’s the reason for the divorce. That can be a really awkward situation because you might feel this new partner is to blame for the end of your parents marriage. But the reasons for the divorce are between your parents, and chances are that you don’t know all the details.
You don’t have to treat this new partner like a “new mom” or “new dad.” They won’t ever replace your parents. But be open to this new person in your life. You may like them more than you thought you could.
It can be weird for teens to see their parents back on the dating scene, because it’s the time in your life when you’re probably starting to think about relationships. It’s strange to know you’re going out on a date the same night as your mom. But it’s healthy for her to be able to get away from the pain and grief of divorce and start searching for a new partner to share her life.
Maybe one of your parents has already found a new partner and that’s the reason for the divorce. That can be a really awkward situation because you might feel this new partner is to blame for the end of your parents marriage. But the reasons for the divorce are between your parents, and chances are that you don’t know all the details.
You don’t have to treat this new partner like a “new mom” or “new dad.” They won’t ever replace your parents. But be open to this new person in your life. You may like them more than you thought you could.
COMMON REACTIONS TO DIVORCE
Everyone has their own reaction to divorce. Some teens try to spend as little time at home as possible, preferring to spend all their time with their friends. Others want to stay closer to home. Some find they can’t concentrate at school and stop doing homework, while others throw themselves into their studies. Some get angry and lash out. Others try to pretend like the divorce is no big deal.
The truth is divorce is a big deal, and all of those reactions are normal. There are unhealthy reactions to divorce, like getting into drugs or alcohol, running away from home, having sex when you’re not ready. But being angry and confused are natural reactions to divorce. As a teenager, you’re at a stage of your life when you’re trying to test boundaries, assert your independence, and figure out where you fit into the world. So worrying about how the divorce affects you isn’t selfish behavior, it’s actually pretty common.
There are some other common reactions. They might not all apply to you, but they’re good to think about:
The truth is divorce is a big deal, and all of those reactions are normal. There are unhealthy reactions to divorce, like getting into drugs or alcohol, running away from home, having sex when you’re not ready. But being angry and confused are natural reactions to divorce. As a teenager, you’re at a stage of your life when you’re trying to test boundaries, assert your independence, and figure out where you fit into the world. So worrying about how the divorce affects you isn’t selfish behavior, it’s actually pretty common.
There are some other common reactions. They might not all apply to you, but they’re good to think about:
Betrayal
For many teens, home was always a safe and comfortable place. No matter what other turmoil is going on in your life – pressure at school, fights with your friends – your family was always your rock. Now home is where your biggest problems are and your parents are all wrapped up in their own emotional turmoil. You might even have to leave the home you’ve known all your life. This can shake the foundation under your feet and leave you feeling betrayed by your parents.
Often marriages break up because one parent has cheated on the other. That can feel like a betrayal too. But it’s important to understand that your parents still love you and that they’re not doing this to hurt you. Even if your mom cheated on your dad, this is something between your parents. She didn’t cheat on you, she is still your mom and she still loves you.
Often marriages break up because one parent has cheated on the other. That can feel like a betrayal too. But it’s important to understand that your parents still love you and that they’re not doing this to hurt you. Even if your mom cheated on your dad, this is something between your parents. She didn’t cheat on you, she is still your mom and she still loves you.
Guilt
While most teens know that they aren’t the reason their parents broke up, they can’t help but feel that they were somehow at fault - especially if your parents sometimes fought over you. It bears repeating: The divorce is not your fault. Nothing you could have done would have changed what happened to your parents’ relationship. There is probably little you can do to fix their broken marriage. A couple who has a strong relationship can weather any of the challenges their kids throw at them. If they had a good marriage, they probably wouldn’t be disagreeing about you in the first place.
Divided Loyalties
Many teens feel like they are forced to choose between their parents. This can happen when parents are fighting over custody. But it can also happen if your parents get remarried. And chances are at least one of them will. It can make you feel bad for your mom to know that your dad is dating again.
Even as you grow up, you may feel like you constantly have to choose between your parents, or play mediator at special events at holidays, graduation, weddings. If your parents can’t be in the same room together without fighting, you might not even bother inviting them to see your band concert, or basketball game because you’ll be too worried about how they’ll act when they get there.
Even as you grow up, you may feel like you constantly have to choose between your parents, or play mediator at special events at holidays, graduation, weddings. If your parents can’t be in the same room together without fighting, you might not even bother inviting them to see your band concert, or basketball game because you’ll be too worried about how they’ll act when they get there.
Confused About Relationships
Adolescence is a time when you’re starting to look for independence, test boundaries, find out a bit more about who you are. You’re starting to think about romantic relationships. It’s probably a time when you look to your parents as role models for how a relationship should be. That can be tough when their marriage is breaking down and they’re probably the least attentive to your needs because they’re all wrapped up in their own emotions.
It’s easy to look at your parents’ problems and question your own ability to be in a committed relationship. But your parents’ marriage is theirs and theirs alone. You make your own choices in life and you have plenty of time to make them. Just because your parents’ marriage failed doesn’t mean you’ll fail at relationships. Many children of divorce say their parents’ problems made them work harder on their own romantic relationships. At your age, you have lots of time to try on different relationships and see if they fit. If one doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to fail at love.
It’s easy to look at your parents’ problems and question your own ability to be in a committed relationship. But your parents’ marriage is theirs and theirs alone. You make your own choices in life and you have plenty of time to make them. Just because your parents’ marriage failed doesn’t mean you’ll fail at relationships. Many children of divorce say their parents’ problems made them work harder on their own romantic relationships. At your age, you have lots of time to try on different relationships and see if they fit. If one doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean you’re destined to fail at love.
DEALING WITH DIVORCE
For many people, their parents' divorce marks a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is taking place right now.
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so plenty of kids and teens have to go through this. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means.
It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce also can be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it's due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling. Sometimes nothing bad happens, but parents just decide to live apart.
Did you know it's really common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault? Just try to remember that parents' decisions to split up are to do with issues between them, and not because of something you might have done or not done.
Some kids feel guilty about what happened, or wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience many feelings. Your emotions may change a lot, too. You may feel stressed out, angry, frustrated, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You also may feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension or fighting at home. These feelings are very typical and talking about them with a friend, family member, or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you might have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings about one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You could end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly. At the beginning, it means you might have to be flexible and might have more hassles to deal with for a while.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that can create challenges both socially and practically. Over time you can figure out a new routine that works for all of you. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make It Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other.
No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel. Letting your parents know that even though you know everyone is super-stressed, you don’t want to get caught in the middle.
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to hang out with and talk to each of your parents without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that talking to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids.
Kids and teens also can benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup. It might feel weird at first to talk to someone you don't know about personal feelings, but it can be really helpful to hear about how other teens in your situation have coped.
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Many teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents, just try to pick a good time to talk when everyone is feeling calm. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and advisors and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear?
A life-changing event like a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same.
If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters! Figure out what's important to you — spending time with friends, working hard at school, writing or drawing, or being great at basketball. Finding your inner strength and focusing on your own goals can really help your stress levels.
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one.
Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You might even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together.
Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully.
Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.
About half the marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so plenty of kids and teens have to go through this. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and unsure of what it all means.
It may seem hard, but it is possible to cope with divorce — and have a good family life in spite of some changes divorce may bring.
Why Are My Parents Divorcing?
Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce also can be because one parent falls in love with someone else, and sometimes it's due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling. Sometimes nothing bad happens, but parents just decide to live apart.
Did you know it's really common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault? Just try to remember that parents' decisions to split up are to do with issues between them, and not because of something you might have done or not done.
Some kids feel guilty about what happened, or wish they had prevented arguments by cooperating more within the family, doing better with their behavior, or getting better grades. But separation and divorce are a result of a couple's problems with each other, not with their kids. The decisions adults make about divorce are their own.
If your parents are divorcing, you may experience many feelings. Your emotions may change a lot, too. You may feel stressed out, angry, frustrated, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for the situation. You may feel abandoned, afraid, worried, or guilty. You also may feel relieved, especially if there has been a lot of tension or fighting at home. These feelings are very typical and talking about them with a friend, family member, or trusted adult can really help.
How Will Divorce Change My Life?
Depending on what happens in your family, you might have to adjust to many changes. These could include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and perhaps dealing with parents' unpleasant feelings about one another.
Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You could end up living with one parent most of the time and visiting the other, or your parents may split their time with you evenly. At the beginning, it means you might have to be flexible and might have more hassles to deal with for a while.
Some teens have to travel between parents, and that can create challenges both socially and practically. Over time you can figure out a new routine that works for all of you. Often, it takes a while for custody arrangements to be finalized. This can give people time to adapt to these big changes and let families figure out what works best.
Money matters may change for your parents, too. A parent who didn't work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay for rent or a mortgage. This might be something a parent is excited about, but he or she may also feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also expenses associated with divorce, from lawyers' fees to the cost of moving to a new place to live.
Your family may not be able to afford all the things you were used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too — but how you cope with the stressful changes depends on your situation, your personality, and your support network.
What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make It Easier
Keep the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teens find it especially hard when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can't do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a truce to any bickering or unkind things they might be saying about each other.
No matter what problems a couple may face, as parents they need to handle visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their kids may feel. Letting your parents know that even though you know everyone is super-stressed, you don’t want to get caught in the middle.
Be fair. Most teens say it's important that parents don't try to get them to "take sides." You need to feel free to hang out with and talk to each of your parents without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's unfair for anyone to feel that talking to one parent is being disloyal to the other or that the burden of one parent's happiness is on your shoulders.
When parents find it hard to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought on by divorce, they can find help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have created, to find personal happiness, and to lift any burdens from their kids.
Kids and teens also can benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through the stress of a family breakup. It might feel weird at first to talk to someone you don't know about personal feelings, but it can be really helpful to hear about how other teens in your situation have coped.
Keep in touch. Going back and forth between two homes can be tough, especially if parents live far apart. It can be a good idea to keep in touch with a parent you see less often because of distance. Even a quick email saying "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feelings of missing each other. Making an effort to stay in touch when you're apart can keep both of you up to date on everyday activities and ideas.
Work it out. You may want both parents to come to special events, like games, meets, plays, or recitals. But sometimes a parent may find it awkward to attend if the other is present. It helps if parents can figure out a way to make this work, especially because you may need to feel the support and presence of both parents even more during divorce. You might be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and suggest it to both parents.
Talk about the future. Many teens whose parents divorce worry that their own plans for the future could be affected. Some are concerned that the costs of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or other things.
Pick a good time to tell your parents about your concerns — when there's enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Don't worry about putting added stress on your parents, just try to pick a good time to talk when everyone is feeling calm. It's better to bring your concerns into the open than to keep them to yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions for most problems and advisors and counselors who can help teens and their parents find those solutions.
Figure out your strengths. How do you deal with stress? Do you get angry and take it out on siblings, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is a more of a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict altogether and just hope that problems will magically disappear?
A life-changing event like a divorce can put people through some tough times, but it can also help them learn about their strengths, and put in place some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouths another? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing it calmly with your mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them you have a right to love both your parents, no matter what they are doing to each other.
If you need help figuring out your strengths or how to cope — like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor — ask for it! And if you find it hard to confront your parents, try writing them a letter. Figure out what works for you.
Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own changes it can feel like your own life is on hold. In addition to staying focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in as many of your normal activities as possible. When things are changing at home, it can really help to keep some things, such as school activities and friends, the same.
If things get too hard at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm down. Take care of yourself by eating right and getting regular exercise — two great stress busters! Figure out what's important to you — spending time with friends, working hard at school, writing or drawing, or being great at basketball. Finding your inner strength and focusing on your own goals can really help your stress levels.
Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to the divorce with someone you trust. If you're feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they don't, and if you're feeling depressed or stressed out, or if it's hard to concentrate on your normal activities, let a counselor or therapist help you. Your parents, school counselor, or a doctor or other health professional can help you find one.
Many communities and schools have support groups for kids and teens whose parents have divorced. It can really help to talk with other people your age who are going through similar experiences.
Bringing Out the Positive
There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents' divorce and the changes it brings. You might even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents are actually happier after the divorce or they may develop new and better ways of relating to both parents when they have separate time with each one.
Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister needs their support and care. Siblings who are closer in age may form tighter bonds, learning to count on each other more because they're facing the challenges of their parents' divorce together.
Coping well with divorce also can bring out strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friends. Looking back on the experience, lots of people say that they learned coping skills they never knew they had and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.
Many movies have been made about divorce and stepfamilies — some with happy endings, some not. That's how it is in real life too. But most teens who go through a divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully.
Giving it time, letting others support you along the way, and keeping an eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.