Peer Conflict vs. Bullying
Conflict is a part of everyday life. As adults, we maneuver ourselves away from conflict throughout our days, and sometimes we know that it just happens. It goes without saying, so it is to be expected that some conflict is also normal in our children’s lives. All adults need to recognize that some of what we call “bullying” may actually be developmentally appropriate conflict and is a normal part of growing up.
What should we expect from children in relation to conflict and how do we help them negotiate it? How is developmentally appropriate conflict different from a bullying situation? What can we do to protect our children when it’s bullying? And how do we know when to step in to help them get out of potentially dangerous situations?
With tweens, adults need to see themselves as guides—almost “gatekeepers”—for children. Even though children can take on more responsibility for themselves in this stage, parents need to be available both physically and emotionally as much as possible. Adults also need to see themselves as mentors of behaviors for this stage.
What should we expect from children in relation to conflict and how do we help them negotiate it? How is developmentally appropriate conflict different from a bullying situation? What can we do to protect our children when it’s bullying? And how do we know when to step in to help them get out of potentially dangerous situations?
With tweens, adults need to see themselves as guides—almost “gatekeepers”—for children. Even though children can take on more responsibility for themselves in this stage, parents need to be available both physically and emotionally as much as possible. Adults also need to see themselves as mentors of behaviors for this stage.
WHAT TO EXPECT
- Children in this stage have the ability to think like adults without the life experiences of adulthood. They want independence but still need guidance. When we begin question our children’s thoughts and actions, conflicts will happen, and when our children do not see the sense in what they are being told by peers or by adults, it can be cause for conflict as well.
- Acceptance is a big deal at this stage! Teens especially need to know that they fit in somewhere, and peer acceptance becomes very important in middle school and high school.
- Relationships can be hard to negotiate at this stage as friendships and romantic feelings begin to blend. Peer relationships can get complicated because kids in this stage are spending so much time together at school, in sports, and in other activities.
- Cliques become prevalent at this stage as children and teens start to identify themselves with one group or another. It is not until high school that they can start to identify with multiple groups and have friends across activities.
- In our current society, this would be the typical stage for children to enter the social media world as Facebook’s policy for account holders is that they must be 13 or older.
HOW TO HELP
- Reign in the Social Media: Adults need to educate and closely monitor children’s interactions on social media sites like Facebook and YouTube. Depending on the state or residence, parents can be held legally responsible for their children’s actions on their home computers and cell phones.
- Create Family Identity: Because acceptance is such an important part of this stage, children need to feel that there is one place where they feel unconditionally accepted—a place where they have an identity. Additionally, creating a model for healthy conflict resolution within the family structure will model habits that children can take into other environments.
- Encourage Multiple Interests: Parents and teachers can combat clique development by noticing children’s interests and helping them to pursue them. Adults should always be on the look-out for a way to add children to a new mix. Crossing “categories” (such as having an art interest or singing group as well as a sport) is a great way to connect children with others.
- Talk It Out: Adults need to prepare themselves for this stage because it may be filled with a lot of words. These conversations are very important as children need to start putting reasons behind almost every decision that is made. They are no longer toddlers whose “why?” can be answered with “because I am the dad, and I say so. ”Keep in mind that every conversation is a teaching moment. Seek out conversations during peaceful times so that concepts can be discussed outside of the heat of a moment.
Relational Aggression ~ How Parents Can Help
Starting young, involve children in groups outside of the school setting. For example sports, girl/boy scouts, clubs, etc. Give them diverse friendship circles, so that if a situation arises, there are alternate venues of support already in place.
Furthermore, by expanding and enriching your child's horizons, s/he may stumble upon a passion, which will engross her/him and help shore up a sense of identity. This is something they may cling to in the face of any instances of Relational Aggression in the future.
Furthermore, by expanding and enriching your child's horizons, s/he may stumble upon a passion, which will engross her/him and help shore up a sense of identity. This is something they may cling to in the face of any instances of Relational Aggression in the future.
Challenge your young adolescent. Acknowledge the pervasiveness of gossip - after all, it is a form of intimacy. How long can s/he go without gossiping? Can she and her friend’s journal their gossiping? (Who gossips the most?) This is very tangible and very eye opening to adolescents. It also begins to chronicle abuse.
Remember that kids themselves are our most powerful weapons. Teens listen to other teens.
Remember that kids themselves are our most powerful weapons. Teens listen to other teens.
Empower your adolescent. Encourage her/him to stand up for victims by not jumping on the bandwagon. They can effect change - by doing simple things like refusing to be an 'audience' for a bully.
Walk away. Or don't laugh in class. Don't gossip. Don't sign 'petitions'. Don't participate in on-line hostilities. Not going along with the abuse du jour does not necessarily mean publicly standing up for the victim. A first step is standing outside the tide of aggression.
Get a life - be too busy for this stuff. And your example will encourage others to stand outside the tide and refuse to go along with the abuse. Once others stop participating, the dynamics change. Often the abuse just dies -or it can be publicly challenged.
Walk away. Or don't laugh in class. Don't gossip. Don't sign 'petitions'. Don't participate in on-line hostilities. Not going along with the abuse du jour does not necessarily mean publicly standing up for the victim. A first step is standing outside the tide of aggression.
Get a life - be too busy for this stuff. And your example will encourage others to stand outside the tide and refuse to go along with the abuse. Once others stop participating, the dynamics change. Often the abuse just dies -or it can be publicly challenged.
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If you are the parent or guardian of a victim, encourage your child to keep a journal of RA. What happens, who is involved, and what -if any -actions are taken? What is the response? This is an invaluable instrument if a situation warrants parental intervention. Documentation enables schools to act.
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Research has shown that so-called 'expressive writing'--journaling traumatic events--has all-around health benefits. It is theorized that by writing about traumas, an individual actually begins to process them by breaking them down in a meaningful way--one that can be incorporated (for example, 'I was a victim...). This may help loosen the 'traumatic' impact of many incidents have.
Don't minimize your child's pain. Phrases like 'you'll get over it'; 'no-one will remember this by next week'; 'you'll make other friends'; 's/he wasn't a good friend to you anyway'; 'why do you let this nonsense bother you?'; 'it isn't the end of the world,' etc. all miss the point. They only prove to your child how 'out of touch' you are.
Empathize with your child -and keep the conversation going. (Remember when school was Your Whole World?) Trivializing these aspects of their lives encourages them to shut down.
Empathize with your child -and keep the conversation going. (Remember when school was Your Whole World?) Trivializing these aspects of their lives encourages them to shut down.
Monitor situations. Your daughter/son needs to learn to handle things.
Strategize with them (can you help your child make a joke of the teasing?), empathize with them (commiserate and share your own stories, while spending a day doing something with them), and only intervene as a last resort. S/he doesn't need the added abuse of having mommy have to fight her/his battles until things are clearly out of control.
If situations require intervention, consider short-term professional counseling for your child. Among other things, the situation often involves losses that need to be grieved, and positive perspectives that need to be brought out and emphasized.
Strategize with them (can you help your child make a joke of the teasing?), empathize with them (commiserate and share your own stories, while spending a day doing something with them), and only intervene as a last resort. S/he doesn't need the added abuse of having mommy have to fight her/his battles until things are clearly out of control.
If situations require intervention, consider short-term professional counseling for your child. Among other things, the situation often involves losses that need to be grieved, and positive perspectives that need to be brought out and emphasized.